If you’re a Christian parent, or if you grew up in a Christian household, you’ve likely heard this verse quoted as a mantra of sorts: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). This is a solid principle that we do well to remember. Yet there’s also a temptation to treat this and other proverbs in a simplistic way, almost like fortune cookies, when in fact they’re words of wisdom that release their benefit to us only as we prayerfully meditate on them. Feel free to listen in as I attempt to do that right now.
A simplistic way of understanding this proverb would say, “If I teach Christian values to my kids, then they’ll be Christians when they grow up.” Unfortunately, there are many situations where it doesn’t play out that way. And then if we’ve held to that simplistic understanding, it can feel like the Bible is culpable for misleading us. But did we really understand the proverb correctly? Did we use the proverb correctly? What can we glean from Proverbs 22:6?
First, note that the beginning clause speaks of “training up” a child. It doesn’t say to lecture a child, react to a child, or make sure the child is around influences that will train him or her. It says “[you!] train up a child.” Now I’ve never owned a dog, but I hear that the training process can be quite arduous for the owners. It requires keen attentiveness to the dog’s whereabouts, demeanor, and actions, so that appropriate motivation, encouragement, and sometimes punishment can be given. But even more than just the right actions, training also seeks to develop the bond of trust between owner and pet. Of course, children aren’t pets, but my point is, might we actually show greater intentionality at times with pets than with the children (created in God’s image!) whom we just assume will learn as they go? Training means there are concrete goals and methods in the mind of the trainer.
Training means that the trainer needs to also guard against any breach of trust that would invalidate the instruction that’s been given. This doesn’t require perfection! Our sin can actually be quite helpful in the training of our children if we talk through it with them, ask for forgiveness when we sin against them, and just generally model humility and quick repentance. But hypocrisy that simply gets swept under the rug…will subtly destroy the bond of trust between parent and child, regardless of how much the child is nodding to our admonitions or memorizing Sunday School answers.
Another context in which we often think of “training” is in the military. Training puts the trainees in challenges that will often overwhelm them but then offers constructive feedback and further help. Isn’t this what we have the opportunity to do every time we send our kids out into the world in some small way? Do we help them see the battle lines, what’s at stake, and what “ground” can be gained beforehand? Do we debrief afterward and ask about how they felt, what was unexpected, and how it connected to the path of Christ? Training also engages in “combat” together, side-by-side so that the junior soldiers can gain confidence and further instructions from the seasoned soldiers in situations where it really matters. Jesus in the Gospels, in his deployment of his disciples, is a great example of this sort of intentional training. In short, “training” requires from us way more than just flat instruction or reactionary correction.
A second observation is that we’re to train up a child “in the way he should go.” The emphasis is on the fruitful path of life. It doesn’t say, train a child “against the way he should not go.” Unfortunately, a lot of Christian instruction can tend to look that way, with an emphasis merely on warnings and prohibitions. But why should a child avoid what the world is running after if he or she has no vision for something better? Loving what’s true should be the focus, not just hating what’s harmful. We choose celibacy or marital fidelity because we love how and why God created human sexuality. We choose to be free of addiction because we find being filled with the Holy Spirit to be more satisfying, and wouldn’t want any substance to get in the way of that. We choose to be devoted to the local church, not because we’re afraid of what God or others would think if we weren’t, but because we wholeheartedly believe in the beautiful vision of what God is building with this ragtag group, unimpressive though we all are by worldly standards.
To return to military terms, the child needs to believe in why we’re fighting. “The way he should go” becomes “the way he wants to go” when the cause of Christ is seen as glorious, all-important, joyous, worthwhile, lasting, urgent, and relationally fulfilling. He or she needs to see the larger story – like Christian with his Pilgrim’s Progress, or Sam and Frodo fighting for all that’s good in Lord of the Rings, or like Jill and Eustace remembering the signs and piercing through deception in The Silver Chair. The Bible is our true story, our lives are found within those pages, and when we see our King and the emerging Kingdom rightly, we want to go the way that trusts and perseveres.
How do we measure success? Not when kids are young (though the “even” suggests that there wasn’t a total lack of responsiveness in youth). But the real test is “when he is old”. Well, that’s not very helpful! Admittedly not. We may not even be alive when their faith clicks into place or comes to fruition. And maybe that’s for the best. Perhaps we’d let up or stop praying if we knew the outcome for certain. Perhaps God has great purpose for our own growth in holiness precisely through our continued burden to train up the child – even if he or she is grown and the only training we can offer is a consistent example of loving while sharing Christ with meaningful words, more and more each year.
Something else that should be said: proverbs are not promises. They are principles that are generally at work in this world; they are truisms about how God has created the fabric of our reality. For example, the last verse in the same chapter of Proverbs says, “Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.” Is this 100% true? No. Lots of skilled people have been overlooked and died in obscurity. And that could happen in part because no proverb operates in isolation. What if the skilled man in this proverb also happens to be a “fool” who “comes to ruin” in another proverb? There is more at work in a person at any given time than just the presence or lack of skill. Similarly, a parent may raise up a child in the way he should go and yet other influences are also in the mix. All to say, our kids’ salvation is not a treat from a vending machine that we get out by putting in the right coin of godly training. The world is more complex than that—and we should all be glad that it is! But the principle remains—we have every reason to diligently, prayerfully, faithfully, creatively, persistently, and with great hope raise up our children in the way they should go. And then we will rest, entrusting them to the grace of God.